


even hell can get comfy once you've settled in

by flowerfemme



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Past Abuse, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22089022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerfemme/pseuds/flowerfemme
Summary: She still had no idea why she went and did that. Relief. Adrenaline. Some weird form of thanks. A million different excuses ran through her mind but each one felt hollow as the last. (ROS Spoilers)
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	even hell can get comfy once you've settled in

**Author's Note:**

> if you're pro reylo you won't like this fic. got nothin' against you, just not my thing, and this was me sort of explaining the end scene from my own point of view. thanks. 
> 
> anyway i'm going to egg jar jar abrahm's house for making me see that with my own two eyes anyone wanna help? i wrote this angrily on new years eve to distract from fireworks and also how mad i was (and still am) about that utter mess of a star wars film. don't get me wrong, i had fun. but what the fuck was that. 
> 
> apologies for any mistakes. if there are any HUGE ones i made, feel free to point them out. i did my best to edit but adhd be like: oh, you're editing? allow me to distract you with literally everything, and also sometimes you might miss entire words
> 
> anyway! follow me on waterfall if you're 18+ and not an asshole  
> flowerfemme.waterfall.social

She still had no idea why she went and did that. Relief. Adrenaline. Some weird form of thanks. A million different excuses ran through her mind but each one felt hollow as the last. She wondered if she had even loved him like that. There was no way she could've, not with what he'd put her through. Not with what he'd put the people she loved most through. If she didn't love him in some way, though, why did she end up doing it?

  
The same stream of thoughts went through her head on an endless loop. The worst part was she didn't have anyone to talk about it with. Normally she'd have talked about something like this with Leia, but the general was dead. She was too afraid of anyone else judging her for it. She wouldn't have even blamed them. She was judging herself on a daily basis. She hated herself, really.

  
So she sat with the guilt and confusion alone in her quarters for the time being. She knew the others had to have noticed she was a bit off, especially Finn now that she knew he was also Force sensitive. Apparently that had been his burning secret he'd wanted to tell her when they thought they were dying.

  
Sure enough, she could feel Finn's aura outside her room when he knocked. She sighed and debated telling him to leave. That wouldn't help, but she wasn't sure what would at that point. How long was she going to keep the charade up of being fine? Of just being tired? Of just being stressed from the post war politics and rebuilding? To most people, she figured she would've been able to keep it up forever. To her best friend? Not so much.

  
“Come in.” she ended up saying, her voice wavering. She hoped Finn hadn't noticed, but the man noticed everything about her, it seemed. Sure enough, he was looking at her with such concern and adoration she thought she would burst into tears right then and there. Her eyes darted to the floor as the remorse and shame rose up in her. How could she look him in the eye knowing what she'd done? She bit her lip and clenched her fists, trembling.

  
Finn sat beside her and didn't say anything. He simply pulled her close and allowed her to curl up on his chest. She couldn't stop the hot tears from rolling down her cheeks when her face hit his shirt. Her whole body shook as she sobbed, the guilt, the rage, the sorrow, and confusion all boiling over in that moment. She briefly felt bad for crying all over his shirt of all things, but he didn't seem to care. She didn't think she could've stopped if he did. He didn't ask questions at first, just rubbed her back in soothing circles.

  
The dreaded question was eventually asked, though, when she calmed down to the point that she was only sniffling every now and again.

  
“What's been up since that last day aside from the obvious? The others might not be able to see there's something else, but...I just have a feeling.”

  
Her blood ran cold. She didn't know what to say, didn't know where to even begin. The words were on the tip of her tongue but she didn't want them to come out, didn't want the judgement or the anger.

  
This was _Finn_ , though. Kind, caring, fierce, and soft Finn who'd do anything for Rey. Finn who always looked for her after a hard battle. Finn who always made sure she was taking care of herself when she was stressed and would forget to do so. Finn who also had the Force and could maybe grasp the idea of the connection she had with Kylo Ren, then later with Ben. She gulped and looked up at him.

  
“Promise you won't hate me?” she asked. Her voice was so small, so weak.

  
Finn's eyes widened. “Rey, you know I could never hate you. Why would you even say that?” he replied, appalled. That was promising, but she knew he wasn't prepared for this. For a few seconds she wasn't sure she'd be able to do it.

_It's got to happen eventually_ , she told herself. 

  
“I had a...connection of sorts with Kylo Ren through the Force.” she started out. She took a peek up at him to test his reaction so far. He didn't seem upset, only interested. He nodded as a cue for her to carry on. “We could talk to each other through it. At first Snoke was the one making it happen. We could never see each other's surroundings, only each other--and we'd talk a lot.”

  
She felt him tense up at that, but at least he wasn't running. Yet.

  
“That's why I thought I could turn him the first time around. He wanted to turn me, I wanted to turn him. When I went there and fought with him, we fought so incredibly together, moved together in a way I still can't describe.” She hated how wistfully she described it, but she couldn't help herself. “He was the one to kill Snoke. He offered me his hand after the fight and I--” She gulped down a lump in her throat. “--I wanted to take it. _Ben's_ hand, not Kylo Ren's. But then he went on about how he was going to rule the galaxy now and I could with him on the dark side, and it shattered me.” 

  
Finn wasn't speaking, but he had relaxed a bit. She still couldn't look at him so she continued on.

  
“After that it didn't happen for a while, but--it started happening again naturally. Like we had some sort of bond through the Force without Snoke, which Palpatine later said was true. Ren told me so much, put so many wild ideas in my head about what I could be, what he could be, what we could be together.” Her heart _ached_ remembering those talks. “And all the while I kept trying to turn him, kept trying to get him to change because I could see there was conflict and light in him and--” Her voice broke and she worried she was going to, again, burst into tears. Finn still hadn't interrupted her, which she appreciated. She realized she couldn't stop now that she'd started. It was all or nothing.

  
“It ended up working. We fought together and were _amazing_ together. He--he saved my life. And we were so connected, and it felt so wonderful, more wonderful than anything I'd ever felt and I--I didn't know what else to do so I--” She whimpered and held back a cry. “He was holding me and everything felt so right for once and I was so relieved at being alive and Palpatine being dead and everything being over and him turning to the light that I--” _Force, I can't say it._

  
“I kissed him. I kissed him and he died. He died holding me. And I've felt guilty about it since it happened, and what's worse is I miss him. I _miss_ him and I miss our connection and I can't fathom why I miss him so much when he was so horrible, even if he did manage to help in the end.” she said, the tears bubbling over. She shook while Finn continued to comfort her, then took a few steadying breaths to calm herself down. She tried to focus on his calloused hands on her back.

  
“That's. That's it. That's what's been wrong.” She still wasn't looking at him. She didn't want to know what she'd see. He wasn't running, which was a plus, but she also had no idea how he felt about this. For what felt like an age, he was silent. She tried not to feel anxious about that. She imagined it was a lot of information to take in at once. The longer he didn't speak, though, the more anxious she became that she'd made a horrible mistake in finally opening up about this.

  
“Well, I definitely don't hate you for that. I can't imagine what that was like, having that kinda guy inside your head and having that weird Force bond or whatever. I don't blame you for being confused about it.” he said at last. A massive weight lifted from her chest and she felt like she could breathe properly. 

“I miss some people from my days as a stormtrooper sometimes. They treated me horribly looking back. We all treated each other horribly cause that's what was being drilled into us. That's all we were. At the time, I thought that's what love was when in reality I was being manipulated, lied to, and coereced. None of that was love. It wasn't exactly the same I'm sure, but, ya know...” He became distant and his grip on her tightened. She managed to wrap her head around the gist of what he was saying. To an extent, he understood. He related. It helped too to explain the range of emotions she'd been feeling towards Ben. She was the one trying to soothe some of his anxiety now by rubbing circles with her thumb on his shoulder. While she wasn't glad he'd also gone through such confusion and pain, she was happy she had someone who could even slightly grasp where she was coming from. 

  
“I don't think I loved him either. I don't think he loved me. Not until the end anyway on his part.” she said. At last, she brought herself to look up at him, and was relieved that his gaze was soft rather than full of contempt. Even though he'd said he didn't hate her, it was nice to see the proof on his face, feel it in the air around them. His grip on her loosened and he seemed less anxious.

“It's hard to know what love is supposed to be when you don't have anything to compare it to, or if the only examples you do have are also really bad.” he said with a huff of a bitter laugh. _That_ struck a deep nerve in her. While she'd never been romantic with anyone before being dragged into the war, she'd certainly had her fair share of messed up friendships and partnerships. Finn was the first friend she'd had that actually loved and cared about her as a friend was meant to do.

Force only knew how she would've dealt with a romantic relationship. A sudden question popped into her mind.

“What made you realize it wasn't real love with the others? The ones before?” she asked.

  
He smiled shyly and bit his lip.

  
“Poe, honestly. The way he loves me and I love him is so incredible and feels so genuinely good, I can't imagine that anything in the past even came close to it.” he said, wonder in his eyes she couldn't help but smile at.

  
While Rey was happy for her friends, she couldn't help but feel a deep pang of loneliness for herself. The only “romantic” love she'd ever had wasn't healthy, wasn't even real. Her smile faded and she stared at the ground again. She tried to never get lost in her loneliness. Being alone was natural to her. She was used to it.

Was she really anymore, though? She had friends now and family and that awful yet wonderful bond with Ben. She would've been lying to herself to say it was still natural to feel so alone. Plus, there was a _vast_ difference between being alone and being lonely she'd come to realize. Right then she was so achingly lonely. She felt it down to her bones and she didn't know what to do with it. She'd been feeling it since Ben died and she hated everything about it.

She hated that he'd become so important to her without her even realizing until he left, until she could no longer feel the full effect of that bond. He was still there in the Force, as all things were, but not as strongly. Not in the same way.

“I don't think you two would've ever become anything if it makes you feel any better. If he hadn't died, I mean. You would've never been able to forgive him enough.” he pointed out. He was right. She knew he was right and yet she still felt so empty. Even though she was well aware she'd never forget about the horrors he'd committed, the ways he'd tortured and killed her and the people closest to her, would've never fully been able to trust him, she still felt such emptiness.

“You think I'll ever come to my senses and get over him?” she asked Finn in a whisper. Her friend raised his hand up to run softly through her hair.

  
“Yeah, I do. You're one of the strongest people I've ever met. You can get through anything. You'll get through this and be better for it. And when you do find the right person for yourself, you'll see how great it's supposed to be.” he assured her and kissed the side of her head. Warmth spread through her whole body at that. She admired his optimism so much and his faith in her. He always thought so highly of her, even when she didn't think anything of herself. She needed that.

  
He sighed then and took his hand out of her hair. He gently nudged her as a signal to sit up. “Speaking of Poe, he's, uh, gonna be getting back soon and I'd, uh, like to go see him if you're okay. I can totally stay if not, but I uh, I missed him, and well he said we were gonna go on like a, uh, date thing, and I--” He was babbling. It was incredibly adorable.

  
She cut him off by sitting up and putting a finger over his lips.

  
“Of course.” she replied and leaned over to give Finn one last hug. “Thank you.” she said with as much love and sincerity she could muster up in just those two words. She didn't know what else she could say.

  
He hugged her tight as he could for a moment, long enough to assure her that he still loved her more than anything, then pulled away and got serious.

  
“Any time, and Rey? Don't ever feel afraid to tell me anything. I mean it. Anything. I'll never judge you or hate you. Unless you, like, go full dark side or something. But even then I'd have trouble.” he said and laughed. She rolled her eyes and waved a hand at him.

  
“Oh, go on your date or whatever with Poe.” she said affectionately. With a bashful grin, he got up and left the room after giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

Her giddiness for him faded as soon as she was completely alone again. The emptiness still clawed at her insides, and she still missed Ben with a fierceness she didn't understand. She wondered if she'd ever fully understand the complexities of her feelings for him. She wondered if she'd ever grow to hate him like she knew she should. Some of the weight involved with keeping the turmoil a secret was lifted, though, and she was comforted by the fact that Finn didn't think less of her for it.

  
There was still a long road ahead of her, though, of all of them in terms of recovering from the war. None of them would probably ever _fully_ recover. They'd all picked up deep wounds, scars, and parts of them were going to be forever left scattered across the galaxy's battlefields. It was going to be difficult to sort out what could heal and what would simply have to be dealt with for the rest of their lives. If they stuck together, though, and took it one day at a time, she had hope they'd pick up some of the pieces at least. She also was starting to piece together some hope that she'd move past her strange feelings for Ben and leave him, or maybe the idea of what he could've been, in the past.


End file.
